Bring It On

Last night was a VERY crappy night. Not only did I have a sinus headache and back ache and all the regular aches of pregnancy, but I also had a contraction so bad that I just laid there and cried because I didn't know what else to do. It was a Braxton-Hicks of course and I didn't get another one but still, FREAKING OUCH.

This morning I'm feeling okay though. But I'm not happy... I don't feeling like I have a "glow of pregnancy" about me or any other things that suggests I'm a soon-to-be mom... I just feel blah... And that's the only way I know how to describe it. Something is amiss. Perhaps it's the fact that I want Cael to be here badly.

Then again I don't want him here yet.

Am I truly ready for this? Are Brad and I ready to be parents? Am I really capable of pushing a baby out of my vagina and still remaining sane?

That last question's answer, for me, is no. I don't think I can come out of this NOT crazy. I'm scared out of my mind. No amount of support from previous moms and friends saying "Of course you can do this. You'll be a great mom!" and hearing people say "Women have been doing this for millions of years so you'll be fine" and reading books can prepare me for the ACTUAL birth. Theory and practice are two WAY different things.

It's just like a CPR test. It's all fine and dandy to be working in a classroom with a dummy practicing the motions of CPR, looking off of a paper or hearing from your instructor over and over how many counts, when to check for breath, and things like that. But when the situation where you need this information actually arises, are you going to remember how to do it? A person's life depends on it so, by God, if you don't remember, that person is dead.

What if, while pushing, I don't use the right muscles and Cael gets stuck?

Another thing that scares me is the thought of the pain. What if the epidural doesn't work? What if I tear badly and have to spend more time in recovery? What if the pain is so bad after delivery and when I go home that I won't be able to hold Cael...or even have children again? Yeah, I know about how the hormones in my body will kick in and I'll go through labor in a daze and won't feel the full extent of the pain because I'll be focused on what I have to do and blah blah blah... What if my body doesn't work that way? Not all people are the same, you know.

After delivery scares me too. I have been told by many medical professionals and other moms that it would be best for me to breastfeed until Cael is old enough to have the bottle. But I also have to add in the fact that I may need to start back on my medication if a sign of post-partum depression arises. Before I got pregnant, I was on 20mg of Prozac and 400mg of Lamictal. That much Lamictal is harmful to an infant, no matter what stage of life they're in. I can't breastfeed and be on the medicine at the same time because it's transmitted through my breastmilk (by the way, I'm having a contraction right at this second and it hurts really bad... 10:14am). Then, when I go to wean Cael off breastmilk, he'll experience withdrawal symptoms as if he was actually on the medicine (which technically he was). I don't want Cael's first year of life to suck. That would be bad parenting on my part.

Dr. Carr has said that if I need to I can go back on the medicine and stop breastfeeding. I am determined to try to go without medicine for as long as I can, just so that I can at least get Cael the colostrum he needs. To me, that's the most important part of breastfeeding.

Brad has been a really big help throughout this pregnancy, even though sometimes he's a bit clueless. He does whatever I ask of him, unless it's chores that he doesn't feel like doing. He has been the person I've ultimately leaned on when something goes wrong for me. He's the only person who I've been able to cry to and not have him tell me to suck it up. He lets me cry and whine and complain. He worries for me more than anyone else I think. After all, I'm the love of his life (his words not mine) and I'm carrying his first-born son. In 20 days (or less), I will have Cael and then we will be a true family. And that's a good enough life for me.

Progress

Wow, it's only been FOREVER since I last posted... I need to keep up on that!

I'm tired beyond all belief right now but still attending all classes... An amazing feat for me.

So here's what's happened since my last post:

• Brad and I got into a fight because, while he was trying to help me with a paper, I got frustrated and yelled at him... He fell asleep on the couch while I was taking a bubble bath and finishing my paper. Since I didn't want to be even more mean and wake him up, I cried for 30 minutes straight before caving in and laying on the couch with him. We moved into the room and cuddled all night (which is a big thing because I've always either gotten too hot at night or I just can't be touched).
• We have abandoned all efforts with the oven. No amount of cleaning will bring it to sanitary, working order. It's a lost cause.
• Two months to go on my pregnancy. At my last doctor appointment, Cael's heartbeat was 137 bpm (apparently normal, even though it seems low to me... probably because he's usually at 150 bpm) and I've gained A LOT of weight, which can now be seen in my face... Next appointment: check up then my OB interview. I'll be taking a tour of the maternity ward at the hospital where I am given birth and giving the doctors my information so I don't have to worry about all of that while I'm in labor. Good idea, don't you think?
• Swelling in my knees, feet, ankles, and hands has become a HUGE issue for me but, to remedy this problem, Brad's mom gave me a foot massager (the kind you put the water in and it bubbles and vibrates). It is now my new best friend :)
• Cael has dropped into the "head down" position. I felt him do a big flip that, quite literally, took my breath away. Later, he had the hiccups and I could feel them on my tail bone. It made my butt bounce, as if I had the hiccups! Pretty amusing! Only 57 days until he is born! :D
• I am fairly certain that I failed my first test in History and Historiography. It was purely over Turabian-style notes and bibliographical entries and I missed so many points on the bibliography part that there is NO WAY I passed... But I'm pretty sure I'm not the only person who did badly... Punctuation rules are HARD.
• On last Saturday, I had my first ever Braxton-Hicks contractions. They scared me quite a bit because I couldn't tell if they were real or not (I had just gone pee and I wasn't able to find the plug. Yes, you needed to know that). They went away though so it's all good.

Well those are the highlights (and lowlights) of my life in the recent past. Class is starting now so I have to end this note here. More later!