Feeling Inferior

I'm having one of those down days today...

Have you ever had those days were you look at a celebrity of the same sex as you and think "How in the world did they get to be so good looking? Why am I not like that?"

I feel that way right now... Tyra Banks, Katy Perry, Rihanna... All beautiful, strong women that make me look like a wimp nobody... Heck, compared to them I am a weak nobody.

And I've been thinking about Brad's and my wedding...and how we're more than likely not going to be able to save for it until years from now... It hurts to know that because of the economy, I can't pay for the wedding I've always wanted, which really doesn't cost all that much in the first place... I feel like crying right now...

Then there's all the "what if" situations that burst into my head like a million little dynamite. What if we never get to buy a house? What if we can't find sufficient employment? What if we can't provide for Cael in the way he needs us to? What if we can't pay for food at all? What if our quality of life gets so bad that Brad and I can't stay together and child services takes Cael away? What if's will be the death of me...

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On a brighter note, Cael had a growth spurt and is eating like we starve him every day. He grew so quickly that he doesn't fit in the goldfish costume we had for him for Halloween. Now he's going to be a train conductor because all of the little costumes left in stores are either for kids smaller than Cael or for toddlers... Such a disappointment :(

I'm ready for the holidays to be here and gone... I'm not sure how we're going to swing Thanksgiving since there are two happening in one day 4 hours away from each other. I need a teleportation device or something.

And I also need to get back to my paper... Peace out for now.

Meth and Blogging Don't Mix.

I have GOT to get a free day. A few hours is not enough to get everything done. Of course, it doesn't help that I can't get motivated to do anything... Cleaning is no fun!

Cael is 7 months old! HOLY COW! I can't believe how fast time has gone by. He's still saying "da da" but now he growls like a monster. It's so cute :) one of these days I'll catch it on video.

Speaking of videos, I have some new ones posted on my Facebook and YouTube. Here's the link: http://www.youtube.com/smoore5678

In my Psychology class, we're writing a paper over various topics from the states of consciousness chapter. This includes sleep and memory disorders, dreams, meditation, and psychoactive drugs. My paper is over methamphetamine. So far all of the information that I've collected is steering me farther away from recreational drug use. Did you know that there are over 50 different ways to make meth and the ingredients include battery acid, cat litter, gasoline, starting fluid, drain cleaner, red phosphorus (found in matches), chloroform, toluene (found in brake cleaner), and paint thinner? Can you imagine putting that stuff in your body multiple times just to get a temporary high? My body aches just thinking about it. And then there's all the side effects too. other than death there's also a chance that after repeated smoking of meth, the plasma concentration of the drug will increase in your blood. It can also damage blood vessels in the brain that can lead to a stroke. Yikes...

Dollar General has been going okay. It's pretty easy work and I can do everything fairly quickly and efficiently. Michelle is nice to work with and I get along with most everybody there (I say most because I haven't met everybody yet lol)

Brad has been thinking about it and we've agreed that (since he's missed so much class due to sickness that he can only get a C- in all of his classes) he could drop out of his classes, finish out the semester working at the copy center, and get a full-time job after the semester is over. We need it very badly and I'm really sorry it had to come to this... I wanted us to be able to stay in school but with all of our expenses and no assistance from DFS, we can't afford basic groceries... Brad doesn't mind though and that's what I love about him. He puts family first.

Well that's all I've got right now. Have a nice day!

Keepin' The Bloggin' Train Goin'

So, with a circulating cold and sinus infections in our house, I blog again.

We've all been pretty miserable recently. Brad, Cael, and I all have coughs in varying degrees of severity. A few weeks ago, Cael was running a fever that varied from 99 degrees to 102 degrees and he had diarrhea for six days in a row. And all the doctor would say was, "Give him Tylenol, juice, and a lukewarm bath. It's just a stomach bug." Let me tell you, I hate whatever stomach bug caused my poor baby to cry that "Momma, I don't feel good. Hold me forever" cry. It hurt me so bad that I couldn't do anything to help him... And then Brad started to run a fever too. Oh my God, it was the most awful thing ever, taking care of my two sick boys and hardly being ale to do anything that would get rid of their sickness. But for the most part we're all over it now. Just coughs left to deal with.

I have new pictures too!

Cael has been doing a lot of storytelling in the past three days. Yet all he'll say is "da, da, da, da, arrrrr, da, da, da." I can't get him to say "ma ma" even once. :( He's been a little stinker about it too. He loves on me and kisses me and only wants me, but still says "da da." (Yes, I am aware that he doesn't identify the syllables with the people, but still, it's the priciple of the thing!)

I'm having trouble picking out a Halloween costume for Cael as well. Brad says Batman. I want him to be something cute, like a caterpillar or a peapod. We can't come to an agreement on it...

My classes are going great. Except for the fact that I keep sleeping through my alarm and missing my public speaking class at 8 AM. That's no fun, considering my classmates have been bringing things in like donuts and Snickers bars. I like these classmates. :)

Well, my days at JC Penney have come to an end as of Monday. I will be starting at Dollar General next week! Hopefully I won't screw up too much ;) I like how the store manager, Michelle, treats me with respect, just like I was treated at the Kirksville JC Penney and the Church of the Nazarene. I like jobs like that.

I did some major overhaul cleaning in the apartment today after my classes were over and tomorrow I'm doing the same. I've moved my desk and a file cabinet around in the living room and cleaned up the living room, minus vacuuming. Hopefully I can get that done and move on to the kitchen and bedrooms.

Now I'm running out of things to talk about lol I guess I will blog again when I have more to say! Toodles!

I HATE EFFING GLITTER (written on 9/24)

Yes, that's right I HATE glitter. Yesterday I spent hours folding little girls' shirts and guess what, every single freaking one of them has glitter onthem. Not even kidding. I had it all over my hands, clothes, face, and even up my nose. ICK.

So Cael and Brad are both sick. Brad has the fever/sore throat/tiredness stuff, which is really taking a toll on him. Cael has diarrhea, a high temperature, cough, runny nose, and he's all lethargic and sleeps a lot. I hop ethat either I've already gotten it and it's passed by or that it stays away from me all together. I can't afford to be sick with the house to run, Cael to take care of, and work and school. That stomach flu that I had a few weeks ago knocked me off my feet. I can't afford that again.

I went to a new doctor today, just so that I could establish care with someone in the area. Her name is Diana Brewington and she's a younger woman and very VERY kind. I also wanted to get checked for some stuff like diabetes (since it runs in my family and I've never been officially tested since my pregnancy), my thyroid, and for anemia (since I've been having problems with extreme fatigue). I couldn't do the tests today since they're fasting labs so I'll have to wait until Tuesday, when I'll have time. Luckily it's a walk-in sort of deal so no appointment is necessary.

I'm not gonna lie, I've been really homesick lately... I miss my family... I miss my friends... It's nice to have lots of people on Facebook but I still feel like I'm missing so much out of life... I'm making pseudo-friends at work and in my classes but they still don't beat that one-on-one I can have with my real friends. I miss my girl talk on Sunday mornings with Hanna. I miss getting to hang out with the gang at McDonalds or the SUB or in the hallways of the dorms. I miss going to Great Wall for a Friday night dinner with my family. Living so far away is hard...