A New Year, A New Leaf

I can't believe Christmas has come and gone and 2011 is almost here! This is just ridiculous. Time had better stop passing so fast. Amy and Matt had their baby. He was 7 pounds, 5 ounces and named Marc Owen (Marc = Matt, Amy, Ryan, and Chris). He's so cute and so tiny! I got to hold him the day after he was born when I brought Amy and Matt the clothes they had let us borrow from Ryan and Chris (plus a few others from Cael's baby stash).

Cael had a great Christmas. He definitely made out like a bandit with a ton of toys! And we got Sing-a-ma-jigs! :D Definitely my favorite toys lol He wasn't too interested in his stuff though, he just wanted everybody else's presents

Cael with my sister Natalie (aka Aunt Ni-Ni) 

Cael playing with my dad's zipper

All of Russ' grandkids: Karley, Caysen, Cael, Carson, Jensen (holding Cael), and Laney (confusing with all the "k" sounds lol)

Today we're getting family pictures and Cael's 9 month pictures taken at WalMart. I'm really excited about it because I love getting Cael's pictures taken. He's such a cutie pie (no, I'm not biased). Last night he spent the night at Russ and Judy's house so we could get some sleep. I woke up at 5 am anyway, expecting Cael to be up. I went into his room to find him and when he wasn't there, I cried a little and took his blankie to bed with me. Then I slept til 10 :)

Brad was happy with his Christmas presents. We got the blender he wanted (for milkshakes, of course) and I got him a Turtle Beach headset for the PS3 and Black Ops. He was REALLY happy when he got those lol He's playing the Zombie game on Black Ops now even though I'm trying to convince him to take a shower and shave before pictures (in an hour and a half, but we still have to dress and pick up Cael and Judy and stop by the bank to set up a CD with the Christmas money we got). Silly boy lol

Dead Cats And Loads Of Laundry

I took today to clean. What a bust that was. At least I got the counter clean and a bunch of laundry done. I love doing laundry. It's the folding I hate.

I watch an episode of "Hoarders" on A&E and this lady's house was so full of crap that she couldn't walk in it. It was so gross. She lost her son because it wasn't a safe place to live. She had a ton of cats too. When the cleanup crew came, she went on and on about how they needed to find her dentures, which she lost in the living room filled while debris from the house falling apart and stuff that she acquired over 20 years of hoarding, plus various rodents/pests. One guy found the upper denture. Not too long after that, they found a half-decomposed corpse of one of her cats. I seriously almost puked. Then I did more cleaning and laundry, so I don't turn into someone like that.

Well I have to go pick up Cael and Brad from school and work, respectively. I need a maid lol

Eh, Why Not Post When I Have The Time?

So something awesome happened yesterday. I got my first ever 100% on a speech in my Public Speaking class. And it was persuasive! Who knew I could persuade people to do something? Or, well, in my case, not do something (it was about not doing meth).

I don't feel like doing anything today except walking. I don't care where I do it, I just wanna do it. I haven't taken a walk in a very long time. The only bad thing is, I REALLY need to clean the apartment... And I have to go to work...

Speaking of work, our manager came back! CJ was out due to a back surgery but now she's back to bring the store to its former glory. And thank goodness too. She's a very nice lady. I'm ready to work under her rules. At least hers make sense.

And Cael is crawling. HO-LEE-CRAP! He's quick too! If you don't watch him, he'll be gone in 5 seconds flat and be on top of your pet cat. No joke. Snoozer and Rex, Russ and Judy's cats, are somewhat afraid of this little being when he's awake. Rex watches over him like a guard dog when Cael's asleep though. It's cute. I'll have to get a picture of it one of these days.

Cleaning is dumb. Why can't everything just clean itself?

"See ya later Mama! I goin' on a-venture!"

Your Mother Was A Hamster And Your Father Smelt Of Elderberries

"And the Lord spake, saying, "First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it."

Gotta love Monty Python.

So this week has SUCKED. My hours were cut at DG and I've had very little sleep and tons of financial worries. But I made it out alive, which I am thankful for. I'm taking a little bit of time before I go to class to blog. Awesome, I know.

Guess what today is. I'll give you a hint (or two): it's the 5th of the month and it has to do with Cael.

That's right! HE'S EIGHT MONTHS OLD TODAY! *<:-D

I'm so excited! He's so close to crawling and he's getting two teeth in on the top. He's growing up WAAAAAAY too fast...

I'll get some pictures up later (I'm on the school's computer so I can't upload pictures at the moment).

Count your blessings!

Feeling Inferior

I'm having one of those down days today...

Have you ever had those days were you look at a celebrity of the same sex as you and think "How in the world did they get to be so good looking? Why am I not like that?"

I feel that way right now... Tyra Banks, Katy Perry, Rihanna... All beautiful, strong women that make me look like a wimp nobody... Heck, compared to them I am a weak nobody.

And I've been thinking about Brad's and my wedding...and how we're more than likely not going to be able to save for it until years from now... It hurts to know that because of the economy, I can't pay for the wedding I've always wanted, which really doesn't cost all that much in the first place... I feel like crying right now...

Then there's all the "what if" situations that burst into my head like a million little dynamite. What if we never get to buy a house? What if we can't find sufficient employment? What if we can't provide for Cael in the way he needs us to? What if we can't pay for food at all? What if our quality of life gets so bad that Brad and I can't stay together and child services takes Cael away? What if's will be the death of me...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

On a brighter note, Cael had a growth spurt and is eating like we starve him every day. He grew so quickly that he doesn't fit in the goldfish costume we had for him for Halloween. Now he's going to be a train conductor because all of the little costumes left in stores are either for kids smaller than Cael or for toddlers... Such a disappointment :(

I'm ready for the holidays to be here and gone... I'm not sure how we're going to swing Thanksgiving since there are two happening in one day 4 hours away from each other. I need a teleportation device or something.

And I also need to get back to my paper... Peace out for now.

Meth and Blogging Don't Mix.

I have GOT to get a free day. A few hours is not enough to get everything done. Of course, it doesn't help that I can't get motivated to do anything... Cleaning is no fun!

Cael is 7 months old! HOLY COW! I can't believe how fast time has gone by. He's still saying "da da" but now he growls like a monster. It's so cute :) one of these days I'll catch it on video.

Speaking of videos, I have some new ones posted on my Facebook and YouTube. Here's the link: http://www.youtube.com/smoore5678

In my Psychology class, we're writing a paper over various topics from the states of consciousness chapter. This includes sleep and memory disorders, dreams, meditation, and psychoactive drugs. My paper is over methamphetamine. So far all of the information that I've collected is steering me farther away from recreational drug use. Did you know that there are over 50 different ways to make meth and the ingredients include battery acid, cat litter, gasoline, starting fluid, drain cleaner, red phosphorus (found in matches), chloroform, toluene (found in brake cleaner), and paint thinner? Can you imagine putting that stuff in your body multiple times just to get a temporary high? My body aches just thinking about it. And then there's all the side effects too. other than death there's also a chance that after repeated smoking of meth, the plasma concentration of the drug will increase in your blood. It can also damage blood vessels in the brain that can lead to a stroke. Yikes...

Dollar General has been going okay. It's pretty easy work and I can do everything fairly quickly and efficiently. Michelle is nice to work with and I get along with most everybody there (I say most because I haven't met everybody yet lol)

Brad has been thinking about it and we've agreed that (since he's missed so much class due to sickness that he can only get a C- in all of his classes) he could drop out of his classes, finish out the semester working at the copy center, and get a full-time job after the semester is over. We need it very badly and I'm really sorry it had to come to this... I wanted us to be able to stay in school but with all of our expenses and no assistance from DFS, we can't afford basic groceries... Brad doesn't mind though and that's what I love about him. He puts family first.

Well that's all I've got right now. Have a nice day!

Keepin' The Bloggin' Train Goin'

So, with a circulating cold and sinus infections in our house, I blog again.

We've all been pretty miserable recently. Brad, Cael, and I all have coughs in varying degrees of severity. A few weeks ago, Cael was running a fever that varied from 99 degrees to 102 degrees and he had diarrhea for six days in a row. And all the doctor would say was, "Give him Tylenol, juice, and a lukewarm bath. It's just a stomach bug." Let me tell you, I hate whatever stomach bug caused my poor baby to cry that "Momma, I don't feel good. Hold me forever" cry. It hurt me so bad that I couldn't do anything to help him... And then Brad started to run a fever too. Oh my God, it was the most awful thing ever, taking care of my two sick boys and hardly being ale to do anything that would get rid of their sickness. But for the most part we're all over it now. Just coughs left to deal with.

I have new pictures too!

Cael has been doing a lot of storytelling in the past three days. Yet all he'll say is "da, da, da, da, arrrrr, da, da, da." I can't get him to say "ma ma" even once. :( He's been a little stinker about it too. He loves on me and kisses me and only wants me, but still says "da da." (Yes, I am aware that he doesn't identify the syllables with the people, but still, it's the priciple of the thing!)

I'm having trouble picking out a Halloween costume for Cael as well. Brad says Batman. I want him to be something cute, like a caterpillar or a peapod. We can't come to an agreement on it...

My classes are going great. Except for the fact that I keep sleeping through my alarm and missing my public speaking class at 8 AM. That's no fun, considering my classmates have been bringing things in like donuts and Snickers bars. I like these classmates. :)

Well, my days at JC Penney have come to an end as of Monday. I will be starting at Dollar General next week! Hopefully I won't screw up too much ;) I like how the store manager, Michelle, treats me with respect, just like I was treated at the Kirksville JC Penney and the Church of the Nazarene. I like jobs like that.

I did some major overhaul cleaning in the apartment today after my classes were over and tomorrow I'm doing the same. I've moved my desk and a file cabinet around in the living room and cleaned up the living room, minus vacuuming. Hopefully I can get that done and move on to the kitchen and bedrooms.

Now I'm running out of things to talk about lol I guess I will blog again when I have more to say! Toodles!

I HATE EFFING GLITTER (written on 9/24)

Yes, that's right I HATE glitter. Yesterday I spent hours folding little girls' shirts and guess what, every single freaking one of them has glitter onthem. Not even kidding. I had it all over my hands, clothes, face, and even up my nose. ICK.

So Cael and Brad are both sick. Brad has the fever/sore throat/tiredness stuff, which is really taking a toll on him. Cael has diarrhea, a high temperature, cough, runny nose, and he's all lethargic and sleeps a lot. I hop ethat either I've already gotten it and it's passed by or that it stays away from me all together. I can't afford to be sick with the house to run, Cael to take care of, and work and school. That stomach flu that I had a few weeks ago knocked me off my feet. I can't afford that again.

I went to a new doctor today, just so that I could establish care with someone in the area. Her name is Diana Brewington and she's a younger woman and very VERY kind. I also wanted to get checked for some stuff like diabetes (since it runs in my family and I've never been officially tested since my pregnancy), my thyroid, and for anemia (since I've been having problems with extreme fatigue). I couldn't do the tests today since they're fasting labs so I'll have to wait until Tuesday, when I'll have time. Luckily it's a walk-in sort of deal so no appointment is necessary.

I'm not gonna lie, I've been really homesick lately... I miss my family... I miss my friends... It's nice to have lots of people on Facebook but I still feel like I'm missing so much out of life... I'm making pseudo-friends at work and in my classes but they still don't beat that one-on-one I can have with my real friends. I miss my girl talk on Sunday mornings with Hanna. I miss getting to hang out with the gang at McDonalds or the SUB or in the hallways of the dorms. I miss going to Great Wall for a Friday night dinner with my family. Living so far away is hard...

Why Yes, It Is Almost 3 AM

Well guess who can't sleep...again... This is killing me and my school work and my job...

Speaking of my job, I'm leaving it. And going to work at Dollar General. Awesome, right? I can't do this commute on random days anymore. I go to Sedalia for school and that's it. I like this arrangement better.

So have you ever had those feelings of absolute hopelessness because of your situation? Yeah, I'm there.

DFS has told me we have no need for child care aid. Apparently we have no need for food stamps either. That is BULL SH*T, if you'll pardon my language. Brad and I don't make enough to pay bills AND pay rent AND buy groceries AND pay for day care AND pay for gas. Freaking awesome. I have to take $150 out of my paycheck that comes every two weeks to pay for day care and that leaves me with enough to... hmm... pay HALF of the water bill. Awesome. Just freaking great. (If you can't tell, I'm kind of mad)

I'm tired. I"m mad. I want to throw something, break things, shout, scream until someone understands.

I.

Can't.

Do.

This.

All.

I need a break. I need a super long awesome vacation where I don't have to have contact with the world at all if I don't want it (which I don't right now but I know I'll have to be around them today). I want "me" time. I don't even get "me" time in the shower. I always have to rush out to take care of Cael or get ready for work or school. I shaved my legs for the first time in a month on Thursday. I haven't done anything with my hair besides put it up for 6 months. I want to be able to do what I want, when I want for just one stinking day. Is that too much to ask for?

Apparently it is because I have homework, work, classes, dirty laundry, dirty dishes, a dirty house, a teething baby with a cold, and a relationship to upkeep 24/7. I'm going to make it like 48/7. That's how this is going to work. I'll make more hours in the day. My body is already doing it for me. It's cutting out that waste of time known as sleep. Thank you body. You're helping out soooooooo much.

Screw this, I have an outline to finish, a test to make up (which I haven't studied for thanks to the list of things I have to do), and three chapters to read in two classes. Oh, and a test I need to study for that's on Thursday.

Life makes me want to cry. How did I get all of this piled up on top of me? I'm suffocating from it, that's for sure...

Let Me Tell You How Long It Has Been

It's been so long since I last posted that Blogger forgot me. It's been so long that my followers are starting to hint that I need to post. It's been so long that I could probably post a HUGE mess tonight and still have more to say.

Yeah, it's been a while.

So let me tell you, having a teething baby stinks, especially when said baby had just started sleeping through the night. Cael now has two teeth (which I will get pictures of as soon as I get a camera) and they are causing all sorts of things. Fussiness, sleeplessness, super mega drooling, and a runny nose are the worst. He hasn't had the infamous diaper rash that I've been told about, and I am VERY grateful for it.

Solids are really big too! He finished off an entire four ounce jar of bananas today, in one sitting! He hates sweet potatoes and squash but had now taken a new liking to peas (which he originally didn't like). I'm hoping we can bring him around to like sweet potatoes eventually. If he doesn't like them when he's older, I may cry :(

Work has been... work, to say the least. Recently I had worn out my only pair of dress shoes so when I wore tennis shoes to work, my supervisor said that was a no-no and next time I would be sent home. When I told her that I didn't have the money to buy any new shoes (which I don't thanks to bills, rent, groceries, and day care), she talked to the store manager who said I had to procure shoes to fit the dress code the next time we got our paycheck. However I knew that this was code for "Get them now" so on my break I purchased shoes at Payless, which was cheaper than buying the same shoes at Penneys with my discount plus the coupon we have going on. Ridiculous. And now, thanks to that, I am behind on my payments for Cael's day care and farther away from having my portion of the rent. Yay.

Cael's day care is amazing though. The director, Liz, is a very nice woman and has been very helpful when it comes to the payments. She understands that I only get paid every other week and that Brad gets paid twice a month so money is really tight.

The infant room is incredible! The teachers in there are very experienced and wonderful with the babies. They have different "stations" for the babies that they rotate after a period of time so the babies don't get bored. Diapers are checked every thirty minutes and changed as needed. Love is a number one priority, which is my favorite part. I know that leaving Cael there is the best thing for him during the day.

Classes for me have been going great, excluding the days when I was sick or too tired to drive to Sedalia. The commute is hard to do at seven in the morning when I've been up all night with a fussy baby and have to get up at 5:45 am to get myself and Cael ready for the day. I don't really have a favorite class yet because I like them all. My teachers are amazingly nice and understanding.

Well, I think I'm going to get off here. My parents and Natalie are coming to visit tomorrow! :) And I still have to clean...which I was supposed to do today but I didn't because I was lazy...

All Right, Here We Go

Okay, so I'm going to try to start the weight loss process, if I can find the time! I'm going to get into this eating right thing. Sadly, I have no time to work out :( Maybe working more at JC Penney will help me out.

So Cael had his first tooth break through the gum today! AND HE'S 6 MONTHS OLD TODAY TOO! :D I can't believe he's so big! He's growing up too fast :'( He can sit up by himself and eat veggies. He loves apple juice too.

And check out my newest video on YouTube!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wp1UD-pDqLE

Cael loves dancing!

Well Here We Are

So for those of you that read my blog and don't know, Brad, Cael and I moved to Warrensburg! I'm currently attending State Fair Community College in Sedalia (about a 30 minute commute) and Brad is going to UCM in Warrensburg (though looking for a full-time job if he can get one). Jobs are pretty scarce here, what with all the college students coming back. I was lucky enough to be able to transfer down to the JC Penney in Sedalia, which is about twice to three times the size of the Kirksville store. I'm in the men's department so if you're ever around Sedalia, drop in a say hi! I am trying to look for a job in Warrensburg though, because Cael's new daycare is here and I want to be closer after I'm done with my classes.

I'm so glad that I have time to blog right now :) Cael is sitting in his swing and watching "My Neighbor Totoro." It was one of my favorite movies when I was little.

I'm also filling out an application to Dollar General today. It's hard to write on because the spaces for it are so small lol

Well, I'm heading off to shower and then going to turn in applications and whatnot. I'll blog again soon!

Whoa, So I Haven't Posted In...Umm...Forever...

Yeah, this is kind of bad lol Look at me being all fail-blogger-ish!

Cael is a big boy now! He smiles all the time! (unless he's hungry or tired or cranky)

His new favorite game is when we change his diaper. We ask him if he pooped his pants and if he needs "a new butt." He'll smile really big and make a noise that sounds like "Yeah!" so we'll fly him into the bedroom to change his diaper. First, he gets his "hat" on. Then we move his legs like he's running really fast and lift his bottom up off the changing area. Then we actually get to changing his diaper. He thinks this is hilarious!

Cael can almost reach for toys but he still has a little bit of trouble with controlling his arm movement. When we lay him on his stomach, he can hold his head up for almost two minutes before he gets mad and wants to be picked up. Morning is his favorite time of day, especially five or six in the morning... I don't like that too much...

He is almost sleeping through the night! He can go from nine or ten to five or six without waking up for a bottle. On average, he eats anywhere between four and six ounces at each feeding. We've been trying out different bottles to see which one cuts down on Cael's gas issues and spit up volume and so far, Dr. Brown is the only type that seems to help. Mylicon made it more painful for him to pass gas so we stopped that. Gentlease has been working pretty well too. We've started mixing a tablespoon of rice cereal into a six ounce bottle before bedtime, which may contribute to his longer night sleeping. I have given him rice cereal as a spoon food and he seemed to enjoy it a lot. I think he just liked having the spoon in his mouth. I mix a small amount of the cereal with formula until it's a watery chunky looking mixture. That makes it easier for him to digest.

 Brad and I are working on packing up our things and moving out of our apartment (FINALLY). However, both of us are currently doing our own respective things; he is writing for his RPG site and I'm blogging. We have the bedroom (minus dressers, bed, and necessary items) and the bathroom (again, minus the necessary items) done. I'm dreading the living room pick up... It looks like an earthquake disaster zone...

I'm doing two online classes this summer:  Spanish 102 and General Psychology. My Gen Psych class is online and I don't start Spanish until July. I have yet to order my book for Psych due to a lack of funding (aka I had to pay for a storage unit for our crap and I now have almost no money in the checking account :/ ). The book only costs thirty three dollars on EBay but I don't have that money right now... Stupid sixty dollar deposit... Why does everything have to revolve around money? Oh, and I forgot to mention that I am now working three jobs. That's right, in addition to working at the nursery and JC Penney, I now work at Maritz Research again. So if you rented a car from Enterprise, I may be the one calling you to do a survey. W00t... This means less time spent with Cael and less time spent with Brad, which is taking a toll on our relationship... Even our Saturday fun nights aren't as fun as they were before because we end up discussing something that makes us fight... I know arguments are good for relationships and we always make up in the end, but I still hate having them. But we love each other and won't let stupid little tiffs get in the way of that :) That's how I know we're meant to be.

Well, I'm not sure when I will be able to post again... Due to moving to my mother's house for a couple of months to save up money for a new living space, we have a lack of Internet service so it may be a while before another update pops up. I'll try to post again soon though :)

Best wishes to you all!

Swinging

I don't know if you can guess by the title of this post or not but I'll tell you anyway. WE FINALLY GOT A SWING. It is the best invention for babies EVER, next to the Boppy of course. Cael loves it. It's kind of a funny story how I got it. I joined this group on Facebook for yard sales in northeast Missouri and southern Iowa and posted on the wall asking if anyone had one. Luckily, a lady in Brashear was getting rid oof one that was in very good shape at a yard sale in May and she told me that I could have it for ten dollars. It was PERFECT! 6 speeds, has a timer, and plays music, all on four D batteries. Heck. Yes.

So I was told by several people that I need to stop being so open in my blogs. One reason being my medications. I was told that people can use this against me. How? Does anyone know how?

For the past week Cael has been having really really nasty diapers, like a gray-green paste, sometimes with yellow chunks... It's really gross and lately he's been spitting up a water-like liquid that makes him scream and cry. So we took him to Dr. Early who said that it could either be a stomach virus or reflux. He said it was more than likely a stomach virus though because of the poop. We now have a medicine called Hyosyne to give to Cael three times a day. He likes it though. My mom would always tell me horror stories of when she tries to give me medicine as a child. One time, she had to pin me down on the floor and force feed the medicine to me and I ended up spitting the medicine back out and put a red stain on her robe. I don't remember this though.

In about a week, Cael, my mom, my sister, my grandma, and I will be heading to Ohio for my cousin Kara's graduation from college. This will be the longest car ride Cael has ever had and we're not sure how it's going to go. It takes about 7 hours on average for us to get there but you also have to factor in pit stops, feedings, diaper changes, etc. This could end up being a 9+ hour trip :/ That will stink... Brad is planning on going back to Warrensburg that weekend so he can spend time with his family and friends there. His mom's birthday is also on the Monday after Mother's Day.

This will be the longest time Brad and I have been apart since before we moved in together... Yeah, he's been back since then but it's only been for two to three days at most. We won't see each other for four, yes four days... That might sound a little mushy gushy and stupid, but I'm going to miss him A LOT... At least I'll have Cael with me and have Skype and my cell phone so we can still see/hear from each other... But I'm still kind of sad about it... I'll be lonely without Brad to cuddle with at night :(

Right now I'm watching Brad play Dante's Inferno on the XBox 360. It's kind of a knock off of God of War and it's graphic are AMAZING. It's almost like a movie when the story parts come up.

Well I'm exhausted so I'm gonna head off to bed finally. Good night, sleep tight and don't let those bed bugs bite.

Sleeping Like A Baby

I just had to post it. It's too cute to keep to myself :)

Holy Crap, Week

Today was my first day back working at JC Penney and wow, did it feel good to be doing something that wasn't sitting on my butt all day or running around and buying things that our family needs. It took me forever to get back into the swing of things, but I did eventually get the hang of it again. I needed today.

Yesterday I went to an appointment with Reggie, a psychiatric nurse that I've been seeing for about two years now. After talking to her, she thought that it would be best for me to at least start back on the fluoxetine (yes, I just used a generic name for a medication). I go back in three weeks to see her again...

On a better note, Cael is doing wonderful. Actually he's been really grouchy today and has super bad gas but otherwise he's doing perfectly. At the moment, he's sleeping like a baby, hahaha

Right now I'm watching Brad play Left 4 Dead on the Xbox 360. I'm not a huge fan of this game, mostly because my dreams in the night consist of zombies running at me and me trying to get away and, in the end, not succeeding... Like I said, I'm not a huge fan of this game...

Well, I'm about to pass out, I'm so tired... But Cael is about to wake up so I have a feeling I won't be getting to sleep until very, very late... Oh well...

Formula-holics Anonymous

Cael, you have a problem. You need to realize this. It hurts your father and me more than you know. You can't keep drinking like this. You drink a whole bottle and then you pass out. Sometimes, you don't even finish the whole bottle. We're concerned for you and we only want to see you happy and healthy. We're taking you to FA tomorrow.

We're not stupid, just so you know lol

Cael is sat my mom's house today. Natalie, my younger sister, wanted to take him on a walk in his stroller so I sent my mom a text saying, "If you want Cael, come and get him."

HE'S A MONTH OLD ALREADY! I still can't believe it! A month ago, at this very time, I was in labor with him and was crying my eyes out because it hurt. At 5:55 pm I started pushing and then POP! there he was! Holy cow, time is going by so fast... Can we rewind it for just a little while? I don't want my baby to grow up... Pretty soon he'll be crawling, then walking, then using the big boy potty, then the next thing I know, he'll be in college and then having babies of his own... *cries a little inside*

But I'm cherishing the moments we have with him now, when he still needs his mommy for everything. Bottles need to be washed, chores need to be done, but I don't care. I'm playing with my baby boy while I can.

Sleep Deprived and Hungry

Cael has made it to the one month mark! Well, technically he hasn't really made it until 6:05 tonight but whatever...

You may ask why 12:27 am was chosen as this morning's blog post time. Well, Cael's hungry and I'm bored, that's why. But he's almost done with this bottle so I'll be getting off soon to burp and rock him to sleep.

Good night all! I'll post something later today as well.

Family Time

Family time is something that we don't get to have a lot. Brad's mom is visiting today and will be here for the weekend. It's really nice having her here because Brad and I get time to chill and she doesn't get to see Cael as often as my family does. I'm really looking forward to Easter. One reason is, Easter = effing AMAZING food :) Another is all of our family gets together and it's nice to see everyone and talk to everyone.

Cael is almost a month old already! He's so big now! I can't believe how fast he's growing up, it seems like only yesterday we were worrying about his sleeping schedule and all that. Now we're worrying more about gas and feeding.

At Cael's last appointment, which was because I was worried about how his breathing has been lately, he weighed in at 9 pounds and 3 ounces! He's almost gained 2 pounds since birth! What a big boy :)

So the whole thing with Cael's breathing has been bothersome. He snores really bad and after a bottle, he'll suck in a breath and then have issues starting back up with breathing. He's just has so much congestion that we can't suck out of his nose with the aspirator because it's so far back. Dr. Early said to get Little Noses diluted saline drops and it will loosen up the mucus so it's easier to suck it out with the aspirator. The aspirator that we have is kind of crappy though because the rubber is really thick and you can't squeeze it very well.

Well, my baby's a-cryin' so I think I'll be getting off here. Night all!

Pee Is Not For Me

Okay, so the funniest thing just happened.

I've been bugging Brad about changing Cael's diaper for, I don't know, the whole day. So he finally gave in and did it. Usually, we change diapers in the bassinet because it's a higher up surface and it's easy to contain nasty things that inevitably occur with diaper changes. But Brad, being the man that he is, decided that since the Boppy and blanket were still in the bassinet, he was going to change Cael's diaper on the bed.

He gets halfway through the diaper change when the worst thing EVER happened... Cael started peeing before the new diaper was attached...on my side of the bed!

Oh my gosh, I was so pissed but not really lol

I was laughing my butt off actually. Brad and I both were. And the best thing is, all the people that were on Skype with us at the time heard the whole thing unfold.

It's been a fun night :) Now I'm off to bed

Bath Time Is (Not) Fun Time

As you might be able to tell from the title of this post, Cael had his first bath tonight! It didn't go all that bad, even though he screamed and cried the whole time. I think he hated the fact that he was naked more than the water part. While I washed him, Brad recorded the whole thing on his Flip video camera and I am currently in the process of uploading it to Facebook and YouTube at the same time, so my computer is running a little slower than usual.

If you want to see the video, plus a few others, my YouTube link is http://www.youtube.com/smoore5678. Check it out!

Lately, the night time feedings have been going better though I won't lie, I'm tired of being the only one who gets up...

Tomorrow my plans are as follows:

1. Wake up
2. Shower
3. Eat breakfast
4. Feed Cael
5. Go work out with my mom
6. Shower again
7. Take Cael to my grandma's house so I can work on the thank you notes I've been trying to get to for months

Go me! :)

I Swear, This Kid Will Be The Death Of Me

Every time I freaking try to blog, I swear Cael just senses that I'm typing and he wakes up and cries... I won't even be in the same room as him and he does this...

So Brad, Cael, and I went Warrensburg to visit Brad's family. It was a good trip too. Cael slept practically the whole way. We did stop in Macon to try to feed him because he hadn't eaten in a while. While there, a Department of Corrections bus and van pulled up in front of us. The bus was full of inmates and they kept tapping on the windows and whistling and waving at us. It was so creepy!

We left Macon and made it down to Warrensburg without a hitch. I drove the whole way. It wasn't all that bad considering how little sleep I had the night before. Cael had stayed up for a VERY long time and was crying and fussing the whole time. We were so frustrated that night, it was so awful. We cried with him because we were so frustrated... We started texting for help at 4 am and got three responses: my mom, Hanna, and Miranda. Brad texted his mom too.

Brad's friend Mark came up to visit for a couple of days and stayed in our apartment. He kept saying that he'll be up all night and that he would be helping because he's an insomniac etc. but he slept ALL FREAKING NIGHT. Liar.

At my doctor appointment before we left, Dr. Carr said that my blood pressure was still pretty high but that being on Procardia for a month or so should help with that. He also gave me a bunch of pamphlets about birth control so we can talk about that when I go back in two weeks. That's been a source of stress for me--whether to start a birth control method or not. I want to because I want another baby to be on our terms. I know that abstinence is the best policy but, if you think logically, are we really going to be able to abstain from sex for four or more years? I don't think so. I think it might be a good idea, just in case.

OMFG HE DID IT AGAIN!

Yes, now I'm typing with a baby in my lap... Rather difficult... As soon as he's asleep, I'll put him in the Boppy though. That thing is an amazing baby necessity and I love it :)

Anyway, the stay in Warrensburg wasn't al that bad...just very loud... I had a headache the whole time I was down there so all sounds and lights were amplified and I could barely make it through the day... Friday night was the worst. Cael started fussing around 11 pm and Brad's mom, who had been taking care of him Thursday night so we could sleep, said that she couldn't take the first feeding because she was tired. She said that she would take the early morning ones though. I was feeding him and Brad was on the computer and Brad's dad was watching college basketball. I was doing okay unti la wave of pain went over my whole head and I felt like I was going to drop Cael right off my lap. I didn't want to ask out loud so I texted Brad even though he was sitting less than 5 feet away from me (yes, I know I'm a loser) to ask if he would take Cael so I could go to bed. He did and after Cael had been fed and laid in bed, Brad came into the room where I was sleeping and held me while I cried. It hurt so bad that I didn't want to move...

The headache went away by the next morning and Brad's cousin Matt, his wife Amy, and his two little boys Ryan and Chris, came over to see Cael (and so the boys could see Brad). They gave us very cute little gifts: burp rags (because we only have two official burp rags and we've been using receiving blankets), a little sleeper outfit with dinosaurs on it, and a blanket with a little truck on it. While they were there, I took the opportunity to order a baby carrier (a backpack-like one that goes in the front) from Wal Mart. It was cheaper for Site to Store shipping so I chose that and it should arrive by April 5th (too long for my taste, but oh well).

The drive back on Saturday was almost perfect too, except when we got almost to Blackwater on I-70. A semi truck tried to merge right on top of the mini van while I was driving. Needless to say, it scared the living sh*t out of me and I freaked out, had a panic attack, and started bawling. We pulled over in Blackwater so I could gather myself and we could switch drivers. I still have nightmares about that moment...

We got to Moberly and made a pit stop so I could use the bathroom and change Cael's very wet and dirty diaper. That is one blessing and curse with this kid -- he doesn't cry when his diaper is gross which is a plus, but you don't find out about the nastiness inside of it until it's almost too late and it's about to spill out the sides. So I started the grueling process of the diaper change, and Cael, as always, was screaming at the top of his lungs. And then it happens. As I was about to pull up the front of the clean diaper to fasten it, a huge jet of urine that goes all over the back side of the bathroom changing station, all over the blanket I have laid out under Cael, and all over Cael himself. If I thought his normal screaming was bad, it was nothing compared to what came out of his mouth then. And to top it all off, he coughed and shot poop into the not-yet-fastened-not-clean-now diaper. I open up the door to the bathroom to look for Brad (it was literally right next to the changing station so no, I didn't leave Cael unattended) and luckily he was standing right outside so I told him to run out and get another outfit for Cael and to ask for a plastic bag to put the pee-soaked things in. He did it right away and we got Cael and the changing station all cleaned up. Cael was still fussing so we stayed in the connected restaurant and gave him a bottle. What a day it was.

Sunday I went to work like normal and took Cael with me. A friend of mine, Laura, had volunteered to do pictures for Cael so after eating lunch, we went back to the church for pictures. Cael was fine for a little bit and let Laura get a couple of shots but then all hell broke loose and he would not calm down after that. She got some pictures but they weren't what she was hoping for and he was just fussing so much that we decided to call it quits.

Sunday night/Monday morning I ended up going to the emergency room because of a rash I've had for about a week now. I can't relieve it with any of the normal stuff -- calamine lotion, Gold Bond, aloe, lotion, hydrocortizone, and Benadryl all didn't work. The doctor at the hospital couldn't identify it either but all the tests for mononeucleosis, strep throat, and whatever else they tested me for came back negative. I haven't changed detergents, fabric softeners, or soaps either. The doctor ended up prescibing some medicine that I can't pronounce and when I went to get the script filled, I was told I couldn't have it because the doctor had not given his D.E.A. number. I was so mad. My legs and arms itch like crazy and it looks like I'm getting the same thing on my stomach... And I can't have the medicine that relieves it because of a stupid doctor's mistake. Grr...

Well that's all I have for right now. I'm not going to lie, motherhood is HARD...

Woohoo Updates

This week has been...hectic...
From day one of motherhood, this has been hectic. Cael still won't sleep much at night, forcing Brad and me to stay up late, late, late. But that's to be expected, he's only 11 days old after all. I wish he would sleep as well as he does during the day at night. That would be amazing.
Everyone I've visited or brought Cael to see has said something to the effect of "You look great!" I don't feel like I look "great." Sometimes I don't even feel like I look good. I feel gross, like I haven't showered in forever--because most of the time I haven't had time... I'm ready to explode from lack of sleep... It's hard to stand up and it's even harder to walk... I can't do anything without falling asleep inside my brain. That's why I space out when I'm talking to people I see.
Am I really doing okay? That's a question I've been asking myself a lot... Physically, I'm doing wonderful. My ankles are tiny again, I'm losing the baby weight very quickly, and I'm healing up very quickly.
However, my appetite has really decreased. It's not like the "eating for two" thing has dropped off. Right now, I actually forget to eat during the day... I'm going to need to set reminders on my phone specifically to tell me to eat.

I don't know if my brain is okay either. I feel...I don't know. There's not really a word or phrase that can describe the state of mind I'm in. I'm happy beyond all belief. I have two personal angels in my life. But then again, something isn't as it should be, like my brain has a wall up around it. This is a familiar wall... And it's not a good sign.
 
Cael's umbilical cord stump fell off yesterday so he has a real belly button now. He also slept really well last night, only waking up twice (once for a feeding and once to replace the lost pacifier and do a diaper change). He now weighs 7 pounds and 5 ounces and has already grown 3/4 of an inch! He was weighed at our WIC certification appointment (he was being put on WIC, I was on it during pregnancy). I think WIC is a great program, by the way. It really helps when you don't have enough for rent and diapers and college and food. You can't really get a ton of stuff but it gets you the food you need. The only thing I don't like about it is you only get eight dollars to spend on fruits and vegetables during pregnancy. I don't know if you've thought about it but eight dollars doesn't buy you very much, even with frozen fruits and vegetables. Now that I'm listed as partially breastfeeding, I'm up to ten dollars for produce.
 
Going back to my job in the church nursery was easy. I could watch Cael and still spend time with all of the kids. We only had four last Sunday--Caleb, Joel, Haylea, and Taryn. They've all gotten so big, and I had only been away for a week! Haylea cried for her mom like she usually does, so we used Cael as a calming tool. "You need to be quiet or you'll wake the baby." That got her to be quiet very quickly. Every few minutes, Joel would run over to the baby carrier on the counter and shout "Beeeeeee!" very loudly and Taryn would point up at Cael, obviously wanting to look at him again. Caleb would put his hands up in a "Where is...?" way and say "Cael? Cael?" over and over. It was really cute.
 
Going back to school and work at JC Penney is going to be really hard... I'll have to be away from Cael for hours at a time... It hurt me just to leave him at my mom's house for an afternoon, how am I going to be able to handle school and work? Honestly, I don't think I will be able to... I think I'm going to end up cracking and try to drop out of school... But I really don't want to. I need that education. I need my degree. I need to be able to provide for Cael.
 
Well, I'm going to be a laundry Nazi today and try to buy out WalMart's stock of Enfamil A.R. formula. We're already out of it.

One Week Thoughts

Oh my God, Cael is already a week old... They grow up so fast! *sniffle sniffle*

I haven't looked to see what "milestones" he's supposed to have hit by now but you know what, I don't care if he's made them or not. He can do whatever he wants in his own time. Here's what he can do so far:

• Hold his head up for small periods of time
• Stare at Brad and me like we're stupid
• Smile almost voluntarily
• Pee all over himself instead of Mommy and Daddy during diaper changes (he's done this three times now)
• Flip Mommy and Daddy the bird while feeding

All of these he does with ease lol

As I'm typing, Cael is laying on my chest, just snoring away. Speaking of snoring, he only really does it during the day. At night Brad and I have to hold our breaths just to listen to him breathe. He's only scared us a couple of times though and we had to actually get up and put a hand on him to check (okay, I did this, not Brad).

Cael's little grunts and squeaks keep us thoroughly entertained. He makes the greatest faces too. He has his "thinker face" which usually means he is filling his diaper, his "surprised face" when I'm up really close to his face, and his "mad face." Brad and I wouldn't trade any moments we;ve had with him so far.

I can't wait until he grows up but then again, I don't want him to grow up. I want to be the person he relies on for all eternity. If he grows up, he'll be more and more independent and won't need Mommy... I hope this doesn't make me act over-protective as he matures. I would hate to be a controlling mom.

"I was born to tell you I love you." - Your Call by Secondhand Serenade (the song that came on Windows Media Player just now)

And I think this is true. I feel like I was born for this moment, for motherhood. I'm not saying I want billions of kids. I'm saying I feel that being primarily a mother is what I'm being called to do. And that's not meaning that I'm going ot drop out of school and become a full-time house mom, although being a house mom probably wouldn't bother me all that much. More time with my children and more time to get house things done. But that's something to think about in the future. I don't want to waste my college education or anything. Maybe I'd run a home daycare service or something.

Cael and Brad will always come first in my life. I wouldn't have it any other way!

I Am Proud Of My Boobs

Yes, you heard me right. I am VERY proud of my boobs. :)

I had a VERY successful night of pumping, if you can't tell. Warm showers do wonders!

Before this, I could not gte the milk to come out in a steady flow. Well, enough to actually make a difference in the container anyway. I'm using a manual pump so I can only do one breast at a time but it's working a lot better than it was the first two times I used it. My milk is still tinged with red though, which kind of makes me think something is wrong with my breasts... I'm planning on asking Dr. Carr about it tomorrow when I have my appointment.

Cael had his first doctor appointment today! He has gained back 2 ounces of the weight he lost in the hospital (he weighed 7 pounds, 1 ounce when we left). Dr. Freeland said that they like to see the babies make it back up to their birth weight within the first week at home so I have to take him in tomorrow to be weighed again. His circumcision is healing up well but it's still oozing, which explains why Cael screams when we change his diaper. However, there's not much we can do other than clean it every time he's changed. His umbilical cord is getting closer to falling out but Brad and I were told that we weren't wiping it with alcohol properly. We're supposed to pull up on the stump and wipe closer to Cael's stomach. Oops... Good thhing we found out now though.

Cael has been spitting up a lot of his formula. At least, he does when I feed him. I guess I feed him just a little too much at a time. Newborns are only supposed to drink about 10 to 15 mL of formula at a time and our bottles don't indicate less than 25 mL intervals. It's hard ot tell how much he's had in small amounts like that.

He slept very well last night and, so far, is doing great tonight despite the thunder storm outside. He whimpered a lot when it first started but I think he's used to it now.

Well, I'm heading off for the night. It's late already and I have to be up early to see the doctors and whatnot. Hopefully Dr. Carr will tell me I've healed up enough to carry around the baby carrier, a thing that I've been wanting to do since I got out. I feel so useless because I have to rely on Brad to carry heavy-ish things for me. I was told when I left the hospital that I cannot carry "anything heavier than my baby." That's poo because our car seat is EXTREMELY light.

So yeah, good night all! :)

Motherhood Is Difficult Is An Understatement

So I figured I would do a more up-to-date post since it took me four days to post the labor and delivery story :/

Cael is doing great at home! He has started to feed every four to five hours instead of every two hours and he'll take about 2 1/2 ounces at every feeding. He still spits up a lot but that's also getting better.

Sleep schedules are totally messed up... Last night Cael woke up at about 10 from a nap and didn't go back to sleep until 3 am. It was awful. He cried and fussed and wouldn't take a bottle. He fell asleep a couple of times and when I put him into the bouncy seat (we don't have a crib at the moment, we planned on having one but Cael came early so we weren't prepared) he cried and it started all over again. When he finally went to sleep, I laid down in the bed with him. Brad feels like he can't sleep in our bed if Cael's in there because he thinks he'll roll over and squish him. Cael woke up again at about 7:30 to feed again. We tried powder formula at that feeding mixed with cold water. It seemed to be fine with Cael. I think it soothed his stomach a little bit. He took down almost 3 ounces.

My mom and Hanna came over later. My mom brought over the Pack-N-Play that we'll use for a bed for now. Hanna came over to help watch Cael while Brad and I took showers and cleaned up the apartment a little (Brad played Mortal Kombat, Paper Mario, and Pokemon Stadium 2 while I was in the shower though).

I'm still working on thank you notes for all the people at my showers and that have given us gifts of money and clothes and whatnot. It's not going so well because all I want to do is sleep and play with Cael... I hope going back to classes isn't his hard but I bet it will be.

Cael makes the cutest little faces and noises! He scrunches his face up a lot and looks like a little old man. When he's awake, he's very alert and wide-eyed. He thinks it's funny when I kiss his nose and cheeks. When I pretend to eat his toes, he looks at me like I'm crazy!

Baby love is a curious thing. I only have eyes for my baby and Brad. I don't think any other baby is near as cute as Cael. Brad and Cael are my boys and I don't ever want to lose them. They are my life and my loves and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Cael is sleeping right now while we are on Skype with Brad's mom, grandma, and dad. We just have the camera pointed at Cael in his bouncy seat because that's who they really want to see :) Brad and I are off in our own worlds:  he's on mIRC and I'm blogging and uploading videos on YouTube, which I'll put on here.

Cael with the hiccups

Meet Cael!

Both of these should go to YouTube and if they don't, leave a comment and I'll fix it.

I'm loving life today, even though I'm extremely sleep deprived :)

Meet Cael!

The newest addition in our family is here!

Cael Luther Kenney arrived at 6:05 pm March 5th, weighing 7 pounds, 4 ounces, and measuring 21 inches long. He was born 20 days early but has strong vitals and is perfect in every way.
I lost my plug at about 10:30 am and totally freaked out. I called Dr. Carr's office and they said that since I was starting to have contractions, I should go up to the OB floor of the hospital to get checked to see if my water had broken (I had no idea if it had or not).
I went in and the test they had to make sure my water broke came back positive. They also said, after the cervical check, that my cervix was VERY anterior (meaning it was very forward, which usually doesn't happen at 3 centimeters dialation, apparently). I'm not going to lie, I cried my eyes out. I was so scared! We were scheduled to go to the lamaze class on the 13th and I had no idea what I was supposed to be doing. Plus the thought of pain scared the bajeezus out of me too. So I called Brad and told him to bring my bag down and called my mom and activated the massive text lists I had made for this moment.
My nurse at the time was Pamela Baker, Brett Baker's mom and she helped me a LOT with the emotional part. She was very nice about everything. Unfortunately, she had other patients to attend to (they were going into labor before me) so I got Denise, who was also very very nice. She helped me a lot with the breathing during contractions (I was being stupid and holding my breath and bawling because they hurt like crazy).
Dr. Carr came in some time later to see how I was doing and checked my cervix again. I hadn't dialated any further and it turned out that my water hadn't really broken, it had just ruptured a little and was leaking a tiny bit. So he broke it for me. If I thought the contractions before that were bad, they were NOTHING compared to what came next. Luckily, the epidural specialist, Dr. Lowe, came in right after that so they were lessened a bit. The epidural didn't hurt as bad as I thought it would, which was a relief. I was kind of mean to Dr. Lowe and I felt bad when he came in to check and see how I was doing the next day.

Next came the easy part. After that epidural and the pain I had been feeling, I guess I went a little loopy because Brad said I was telling him I wanted Cael to come out now and that I kept talking to Cael and telling him to come out lol
Dr. Carr came back and checked my cervix again. I was fully dialated at that point and Cael's head was far enough down. Dr. Carr said I could start pushing now. While he and a couple of extra nurses came in to set up, Denise gave me a rundown of how to push and whatnot. She still made it sound too easy.
So the time came to push. Holy crap, I had NO IDEA what I was doing. They just told me to push like I was pooping so that's what I did. And boy, did Cael come out FAST! It only took pushing during three contractions to bring him into the world.
The best part about my pushing experience was this. Between the second and third contractions, Cael's head crowned and Dr. Carr said I could touch it. After I did, I was so overcome with the idea that I was actually having a baby that I started to giggle. When I stopped, Dr. Carr looked up at me and says, with an astonished look on his face, "Wait! Do that again!" So I did laugh again, because the look on his face was hilarious lol It turns out that my laughing was pushing Cael out more effectively than pushing! Isn't that so cool? Cael was brought into the world with laughter! :) In my book, that makes him THE BEST baby in the world <3

The after parts weren't all that hard: the delivery of the placenta and the clean up that followed. I only had eyes for my son. When Dr. Carr laid him on my chest, my heart soared then melted as Cael cried his adorable little cry. His lower lip quivered and he just cried and cried. The nurse that cleaned him up kept saying he wasn't crying enough though so she stimulated him, gave him a vitamin K shot and a Hepatitis B shot, and rubbed his chest. He was so red! Like a little bald baby Elmo :)
While all of this was happening, I was delivering the placenta, which really wasn't all that bad. In fact, I didn't even notice it was coming out until Dr. Carr said, "And there's the placenta. It's a really good color." Of course, I just had to see it. It looked like a liver and was all flat on one side (Dr. Carr called that the baby side). Hard to believe all of that was sitting inside my stomach for 8 months. WHOA.
All of this happened in 5 hours, by the way.
Brad didn't get to cut the umbilical cord because everything was coming out so fast, but he and my mom both got "tattoos" of Cael's feet on their arms. Pam was taking his footprints. His little feet were so purple I was afraid something was wrong, but Pam said it was just coloring and that he'll even out soon.

After everybody finally left to spread the news of Cael's arrival, I was told to start working on breastfeeding. It looks os easy when experienced moms do it but boy, is it hard. Cael didn't want to latch (and still doesn't) so after trying for an hour and making him mad, I was allowed to stop forcing him and just cuddle. That was short-lived though because he needed to go to the nursery for a full check (this was about 4 hours after delivery). I was asked if I would mind trying to stand and get everything situated to go to my room. I'm not going into details about that because it was awkward and messy...

After-birth = GROSS

Anyway, I got Cael back and he, Brad, Jen (my nurse for the night), and I rolled our way to room 506, right across from the nurses station. Cael stayed in my room all night, which was probably a bad idea for me. I couldn't sleep because of all the adrenaline still going through me. Well, that and the fact that I couldn't stop watching Cael :) I love every move he makes and every breath he takes.

He looks a lot like me as a baby but almost everything he does (minus the quivering lower lip when he cries) is Brad. He coos and grunts in his sleep. His tiny little fingers are long like mine. His ears and back are so hairy and his feet curl up, so I call him my little monkey. His other nicknames are Bubby, Goof, Cael Baby, and Buddy. He has super manly burps and explosive diapers. He likes looking at girls and when he's looking at the world, he looks like a little old man. He smiles with gas but it's still cute. He also snores sometimes. :)

Mommy and Daddy don't get much sleep anymore with the feedings every three hours but it's totally worth it.
Cael has already had his first outing (to Wal Mart to buy more diapers) and first day at Grandma's. He's already able to take down 2 fluid ounces of formula in a single feeding (sometimes even more) and now only needs to be burped every 15 cc instead of 5 to 10 cc. He spits up a lot but it's better than the first day of formula. The reason we started Cael on formula instead of the breast, other than his issue with latching, is because I'm not able to get the milk out it a timely fashion so he "loses interest" and gets mad because he's not getting food when he wants it. I also have issues with shape so a bottle is easier for him to feed off of.

Well, that's all I can think of for now. I'll be sure to update once in a while on how Cael is growing and how life for him progresses. We are so excited to finally be a family!

Bring It On

Last night was a VERY crappy night. Not only did I have a sinus headache and back ache and all the regular aches of pregnancy, but I also had a contraction so bad that I just laid there and cried because I didn't know what else to do. It was a Braxton-Hicks of course and I didn't get another one but still, FREAKING OUCH.

This morning I'm feeling okay though. But I'm not happy... I don't feeling like I have a "glow of pregnancy" about me or any other things that suggests I'm a soon-to-be mom... I just feel blah... And that's the only way I know how to describe it. Something is amiss. Perhaps it's the fact that I want Cael to be here badly.

Then again I don't want him here yet.

Am I truly ready for this? Are Brad and I ready to be parents? Am I really capable of pushing a baby out of my vagina and still remaining sane?

That last question's answer, for me, is no. I don't think I can come out of this NOT crazy. I'm scared out of my mind. No amount of support from previous moms and friends saying "Of course you can do this. You'll be a great mom!" and hearing people say "Women have been doing this for millions of years so you'll be fine" and reading books can prepare me for the ACTUAL birth. Theory and practice are two WAY different things.

It's just like a CPR test. It's all fine and dandy to be working in a classroom with a dummy practicing the motions of CPR, looking off of a paper or hearing from your instructor over and over how many counts, when to check for breath, and things like that. But when the situation where you need this information actually arises, are you going to remember how to do it? A person's life depends on it so, by God, if you don't remember, that person is dead.

What if, while pushing, I don't use the right muscles and Cael gets stuck?

Another thing that scares me is the thought of the pain. What if the epidural doesn't work? What if I tear badly and have to spend more time in recovery? What if the pain is so bad after delivery and when I go home that I won't be able to hold Cael...or even have children again? Yeah, I know about how the hormones in my body will kick in and I'll go through labor in a daze and won't feel the full extent of the pain because I'll be focused on what I have to do and blah blah blah... What if my body doesn't work that way? Not all people are the same, you know.

After delivery scares me too. I have been told by many medical professionals and other moms that it would be best for me to breastfeed until Cael is old enough to have the bottle. But I also have to add in the fact that I may need to start back on my medication if a sign of post-partum depression arises. Before I got pregnant, I was on 20mg of Prozac and 400mg of Lamictal. That much Lamictal is harmful to an infant, no matter what stage of life they're in. I can't breastfeed and be on the medicine at the same time because it's transmitted through my breastmilk (by the way, I'm having a contraction right at this second and it hurts really bad... 10:14am). Then, when I go to wean Cael off breastmilk, he'll experience withdrawal symptoms as if he was actually on the medicine (which technically he was). I don't want Cael's first year of life to suck. That would be bad parenting on my part.

Dr. Carr has said that if I need to I can go back on the medicine and stop breastfeeding. I am determined to try to go without medicine for as long as I can, just so that I can at least get Cael the colostrum he needs. To me, that's the most important part of breastfeeding.

Brad has been a really big help throughout this pregnancy, even though sometimes he's a bit clueless. He does whatever I ask of him, unless it's chores that he doesn't feel like doing. He has been the person I've ultimately leaned on when something goes wrong for me. He's the only person who I've been able to cry to and not have him tell me to suck it up. He lets me cry and whine and complain. He worries for me more than anyone else I think. After all, I'm the love of his life (his words not mine) and I'm carrying his first-born son. In 20 days (or less), I will have Cael and then we will be a true family. And that's a good enough life for me.

Updates and Things

Being closer to my due date is putting things in prospective for me. I feel like a lot of things are more important now, such as having a clean apartment. Apparently my views are not shared...but you know what, I could care less. I decided to start packing my hospital bag and the diaper bag today. Maybe it's nesting, maybe it's not but I know that I will need these things fairly soon so hey, why not get it out of the way. I mean I only have three weeks left.

On Tuesday I was hospitalized AGAIN for high blood pressure, only this time they had me stay the night. Talk about creepy... Luckily, Dr. Carr cleared me to have Ambien to help me go to sleep. That helped a lot.

While I was at the hospital and hooked up to the fetal monitors and whatnot, the nurses noticed that I was having contractions. They weren't sure if it was true labor or not so I was given a relaxant and hooked up to an IV that beeped at me every 10 minutes. Not fun. They used the fluids and the relaxant to distinguish if the contractions were real or just Braxton-Hicks brought on by the high blood pressure. Turns out, they weren't Braxton-Hicks but they weren't strong enough or frequent enough to be considered "true labor." They checked my cervix anyway just to see how far along things were and guess what, I'm 3 centimeters dialated! And cervical checks HURT. I don't like them but I know I'll get 50 million more by the time this pregnancy is all over so I'll just have to get over it. I got to go home the next day with a note that says no more work or school for me until Cael gets here. Who's bothered by this? Not me, that's for sure :)

I'm still having the contractions too but they aren't changing in strength or length or anything so they said I was okay unless my water breaks. Then I have to go in right away.

I had a doctor appointment today and Dr. Carr checked my cervix yet again and I haven't progressed any farther. He did say that if Cael hasn't gotten here by 39 weeks (Which, he says, probably won't happen. Cael's moving so fast already and has dropped so far that he'll most likely be early) we can talk about inducing labor. Dr. Carr also said that there is no greater chance of me having a C-section if I'm induced rather than going into labor all on my own, which is a big relief to me. I don't want to get my stomach cut open...

I also had a meeting with a lady from Parents as Teachers, which is a Missouri organization that promotes teaching children before they reach a formal classroom to help their development. It's a really cool program but it's ONLY available in Missouri, which I think is a shame. I freaked out this morning and thought that she was there to judge our living environment and stuff like that so I had Brad clean while I was gone at my doctor appointment and rushed to do the dishes when I got back. She did nothing of the sort, just talked about the program. She's also an OB nurse so she answered a few questions I had about breast feeding and stuff like that. I really liked her and I hope that we can stay in this program.

Well, I think I'm going to head back in and finish packing my hospital bag.

Boring Hospital Stuff

So here we are, sitting in the hospital and waiting...

No, I'm not waiting on Cael to get here (well, technically I am but it's not like he's coming today).

I had a doctor appointment this morning, just one of my (now weekly) checkups and the nurse noticed that my blood pressure was fairly high. It was 130/82. Usually at my appointments I average out at 63 (diastolic) so she decided that she would take it again after Dr. Carr was all finished with everything. Dr. Carr acted fairly alarmed, in his calm way, when he saw what my blood pressure was and when he saw just how swollen my legs, ankles, and feet had gotten. He mentioned that preeclampsia was possibly why all this was happening and that to be sure I needed to head over to the hospital (right next door) to get tested. He also said they would probably keep me overnight to monitor me and Cael, just to be sure that nothing was going wrong.

Of course, I was just stuck on the "you might have to stay overnight" part... I HATE the hospital and how it smells and how close it is in here and the beds and everything... Yes, I know I need to get over it because I'll be in here again pretty soon to deliver Cael but I don't care, I still hate it.

So here I am, with Brad sitting by my side, waiting for Laura, my nurse, to come in and check my blood pressure again. I'm getting checked every two hours.

Oh and the best freaking part about this? I have to collect my urine for the next 24 hours. Literally, every time I pee, I have to put it in a jug. At the end of my stay (before I can go home), they'll analyze it to make sure I'm not peeing out all the protein I'm taking in. Woohoo...

On the bright side, there are no ladies in labor right now so I don't have to freak out while hearing screams. And the lunch I had was pretty good: Mashed potatoes and gravy, roast beef, boiled cucumbers and zucchini, and chocolate cake :)

Now I'm just bored... Nothing good on the ancient TV, except a CSI marathon... I guess after Laura comes back in, I'll take a walk around the floor, since I'm not alowed to leave it... Then I guess I'll take a nap or something... I'm still hungry though lol typical pregnant lady

My dad dropped by to give me a present from my friend Korrie. She gave us some baby shampoo, baby lotion, and a REALLY soft blanket :) It's so cute!

I had a baby shower yesterday, thrown by my aunts. It was Dr. Seuss themed and was so fun! They even got me a little red velvet cake (not everybody likes it like I do).

Laura came in and took my blood pressure again (141/60) and said that Dr. Carr said I might be able to go home tonight instead of tomorrow morning :D I still have to take the pee-jug home though... Yuck... Maybe I'll write more later, I don't want to be in this room anymore!

Michelin Woman...

Okay my feet are swollen so bad that "swollen" isn't even the right word to describe them anymore... They are huge, puffy, and red and they HURT...really really bad... I have tried everything that is suggested and I have cut my sodium intake over the past few weeks and NOTHING is working... I think I should be calling Dr. Carr but I'm going to try to wait it out (honestly, I'm terrified that he's going to put me on bedrest...or worse, tell me I have a bloodclot then send me to the emergency room :/).

I hate the emergency room...

I really want this to all be over...but I know that as soon as Cael get here, I'm going to want him back in my stomach, just because I don't want him to grow up.

I think I'm going to go to the pool today (indoor pool obviously). I've been told that being in the water will make me feel better... I sure hope they're right... Hopefully I can get there without too much trouble too, seeing as how I have to walk down two flights of stairs in my apartment to get to my car.

Wow, this post is so depressing... I think I'll challenge Brad to a game of Pokemon Stadium 2 (N64 version) so that I can beat his butt in a battle ^.^ That will make things better!

Fail Blogging

So I may just be one of the most fail bloggers ever lol I haven't posted in how long?

Life is...achy and painful

I have a feeling that Cael is going to be a VERY big boy and slightly late. He's kind of stubborn already. And he gets the hiccups all the time...especially when I'm in class. I have 4 weeks to go (as of Thursday) and he's already about 6 pounds :/

Sleep is extremely hard to come by. I just lay awake tossing and turning, even with the medication that my doctor gave me to help me fall asleep. It also doesn't help that I have to get up every hour to go to the bathroom.

But I'm loving every minute of this and I can't wait to have a baby in my arms.

Brad proposed on Valentine's Day :) I have a shiny little ring that I wear now and it reminds me at every possible moment that someone loves me. Well, the ring and Cael both remind of that :)

Well, it's late so I'm heading off here soon. I'll try to post more (darn this crazy school and work schedule of mine!).

<3

Oh God...

Where is this elusive thing called "dream land"? Why can't I find it? Oh wait, I know why. People snore and fetuses (feti?) move constantly.

Last night I had a meltdown and I cried so hard that I threw up then got a nosebleed. And I still have no idea why I was crying. Nothing was going wrong, through I ached everywhere. Maybe it was because I was tired and it caught up to me. Maybe it's just hormones. I have no idea. It scared Brad though. When I had stopped crying, he cried. He was afraid that something serious was happening.

He waited on me hand-and-foot last night. He made chicken noodle soup for me while I wrote a paper. He offered to get me things and to do things for me but I just wanted him there with me. When I finished the paper, we played Pokemon Stadium on the N64 and he let me win, even though I didn't want him to. We ate ice cream and popcorn and fell asleep in each other's arms (until I got too warm and until I had to roll over).

This morning, I woke up feeling like crap still. I believe I'm getting sick... I have a headache, my nose is running, and I've almost lost my voice. And I'm exhausted... But sleep is unattainable...

Can anyone help me?... How can anyone help me?...

Progress

Wow, it's only been FOREVER since I last posted... I need to keep up on that!

I'm tired beyond all belief right now but still attending all classes... An amazing feat for me.

So here's what's happened since my last post:

• Brad and I got into a fight because, while he was trying to help me with a paper, I got frustrated and yelled at him... He fell asleep on the couch while I was taking a bubble bath and finishing my paper. Since I didn't want to be even more mean and wake him up, I cried for 30 minutes straight before caving in and laying on the couch with him. We moved into the room and cuddled all night (which is a big thing because I've always either gotten too hot at night or I just can't be touched).
• We have abandoned all efforts with the oven. No amount of cleaning will bring it to sanitary, working order. It's a lost cause.
• Two months to go on my pregnancy. At my last doctor appointment, Cael's heartbeat was 137 bpm (apparently normal, even though it seems low to me... probably because he's usually at 150 bpm) and I've gained A LOT of weight, which can now be seen in my face... Next appointment: check up then my OB interview. I'll be taking a tour of the maternity ward at the hospital where I am given birth and giving the doctors my information so I don't have to worry about all of that while I'm in labor. Good idea, don't you think?
• Swelling in my knees, feet, ankles, and hands has become a HUGE issue for me but, to remedy this problem, Brad's mom gave me a foot massager (the kind you put the water in and it bubbles and vibrates). It is now my new best friend :)
• Cael has dropped into the "head down" position. I felt him do a big flip that, quite literally, took my breath away. Later, he had the hiccups and I could feel them on my tail bone. It made my butt bounce, as if I had the hiccups! Pretty amusing! Only 57 days until he is born! :D
• I am fairly certain that I failed my first test in History and Historiography. It was purely over Turabian-style notes and bibliographical entries and I missed so many points on the bibliography part that there is NO WAY I passed... But I'm pretty sure I'm not the only person who did badly... Punctuation rules are HARD.
• On last Saturday, I had my first ever Braxton-Hicks contractions. They scared me quite a bit because I couldn't tell if they were real or not (I had just gone pee and I wasn't able to find the plug. Yes, you needed to know that). They went away though so it's all good.

Well those are the highlights (and lowlights) of my life in the recent past. Class is starting now so I have to end this note here. More later!

Waiting, Waiting, Waiting

Yes, I'm waiting. I'm waiting for my next class to start. I'm waiting for work to be here and gone already. I'm waiting for March 25th. I'm waiting for answers to life's questions (wow, that sounds deep). But most of all I'm waiting to be done with waiting for these things. I'm tired of waiting for everything to come to me. But sometimes that's all you can really do.

My Political Science class, American National Government, was terribly boring today. We filled out an 86-question long survey about politics. I don't really care for politics because, so far, nothing in the government pertains to me directly. I don't see a reason to involve myself if it doesn't apply to me. But that's just how I feel.

My Philosophy and Religions class, Exploring Religions, was also slightly dull due to a quiz, which I ended up getting a 100% on, to my surprise. I really didn't feel like I was absorbing all that information as well as I did. It was pretty darn cool.

And now I wait for my Introduction to History and Historiography class to start. I may end up sleeping through it involuntarily... I didn't get much sleep last night because of back pains and general discomforts, of course.

Oh well, here it goes.

Another Night Gone

Tonight was slightly hectic. Miranda and Tiggy came over for a visit and stayed for dinner, but I really needed to get things done... I won't deny that I enjoyed their company but it put off my homework by quite a bit... Not a good thing, seeing that I have a quiz tomorrow...

Ice cream was a nice treat tonight. Brad and I bought some while grocery shopping because we thought it was a good idea. But that was before we got it home and I scarffed down almost two bowls. I say "almost" because the last few bites did not make it to my mouth, sadly. I had set the bowl down to gain feeling back into my cold hand and, klutzy me knocked the bowl onto the nasty carpet, disspelling its delicious contents.

Not long after cleaning it up, I was back on Facebook and I received a chat message from Brad. Wondering why he couldn't just tell me whatever it was, seeing as how I was sitting right next to him, I opened it to find this message.

"Even though you are a clutz sometimes, that will never stop me from loving you. Granted, it might seems like I whine over what we dine, but sweetie always remember: You...are mine."

Needless to say, my heart is smiling very broadly :)