Bring It On

Last night was a VERY crappy night. Not only did I have a sinus headache and back ache and all the regular aches of pregnancy, but I also had a contraction so bad that I just laid there and cried because I didn't know what else to do. It was a Braxton-Hicks of course and I didn't get another one but still, FREAKING OUCH.

This morning I'm feeling okay though. But I'm not happy... I don't feeling like I have a "glow of pregnancy" about me or any other things that suggests I'm a soon-to-be mom... I just feel blah... And that's the only way I know how to describe it. Something is amiss. Perhaps it's the fact that I want Cael to be here badly.

Then again I don't want him here yet.

Am I truly ready for this? Are Brad and I ready to be parents? Am I really capable of pushing a baby out of my vagina and still remaining sane?

That last question's answer, for me, is no. I don't think I can come out of this NOT crazy. I'm scared out of my mind. No amount of support from previous moms and friends saying "Of course you can do this. You'll be a great mom!" and hearing people say "Women have been doing this for millions of years so you'll be fine" and reading books can prepare me for the ACTUAL birth. Theory and practice are two WAY different things.

It's just like a CPR test. It's all fine and dandy to be working in a classroom with a dummy practicing the motions of CPR, looking off of a paper or hearing from your instructor over and over how many counts, when to check for breath, and things like that. But when the situation where you need this information actually arises, are you going to remember how to do it? A person's life depends on it so, by God, if you don't remember, that person is dead.

What if, while pushing, I don't use the right muscles and Cael gets stuck?

Another thing that scares me is the thought of the pain. What if the epidural doesn't work? What if I tear badly and have to spend more time in recovery? What if the pain is so bad after delivery and when I go home that I won't be able to hold Cael...or even have children again? Yeah, I know about how the hormones in my body will kick in and I'll go through labor in a daze and won't feel the full extent of the pain because I'll be focused on what I have to do and blah blah blah... What if my body doesn't work that way? Not all people are the same, you know.

After delivery scares me too. I have been told by many medical professionals and other moms that it would be best for me to breastfeed until Cael is old enough to have the bottle. But I also have to add in the fact that I may need to start back on my medication if a sign of post-partum depression arises. Before I got pregnant, I was on 20mg of Prozac and 400mg of Lamictal. That much Lamictal is harmful to an infant, no matter what stage of life they're in. I can't breastfeed and be on the medicine at the same time because it's transmitted through my breastmilk (by the way, I'm having a contraction right at this second and it hurts really bad... 10:14am). Then, when I go to wean Cael off breastmilk, he'll experience withdrawal symptoms as if he was actually on the medicine (which technically he was). I don't want Cael's first year of life to suck. That would be bad parenting on my part.

Dr. Carr has said that if I need to I can go back on the medicine and stop breastfeeding. I am determined to try to go without medicine for as long as I can, just so that I can at least get Cael the colostrum he needs. To me, that's the most important part of breastfeeding.

Brad has been a really big help throughout this pregnancy, even though sometimes he's a bit clueless. He does whatever I ask of him, unless it's chores that he doesn't feel like doing. He has been the person I've ultimately leaned on when something goes wrong for me. He's the only person who I've been able to cry to and not have him tell me to suck it up. He lets me cry and whine and complain. He worries for me more than anyone else I think. After all, I'm the love of his life (his words not mine) and I'm carrying his first-born son. In 20 days (or less), I will have Cael and then we will be a true family. And that's a good enough life for me.