Questions That Aren't Necessarily The Best Seem To Come At Inopportune Times

It seems like I have been questioning everything in my life recently, from my relationship with Brad to whether I am fit to be a mom to if God really exists... And they're starting to consume me, as seen by me staying up while Brad sleeps. I'm just writhing on the inside and feel like I can't let it out to anyone in person... But maybe that's just little chicken-shit me. I've never been good with face-to-face, especially with the people who actually care about what's happening. Like Brad...

I hate that I bottle things up. I hate that I can't share what I'm feeling. I know Brad hates it too. But what if what I'm feeling is wrong? What if it makes other people unhappy or angry? I can't have that, it just can't happen. I don't want to make anyone mad....especially Brad. My outlets are few and far between when I think about it, just because I don't want to bother anyone with my insignificant problems. Everyone has bigger fish to fry than I do, so why bother adding my pity party? But then, when I can't hold it in any longer, it comes out in a flood of tears, anger, hopelessness...even if I am on my medication.

That's another thing to complain about. My meds. They may work some days but on the days they don't seem to affect anything, it's like I'm a freaking nutcase all over again. Just send me back to Quincy. I don't deserve what I have if I can't be happy with it. I don't want to change my meds for the bazillionth time, I just want something that works the first time and can last forever. Brad and Cael both need a strong rock, and I'm pretty much the opposite...

And you know what I think. I think that if there is a loving God, he is just a typical male... You love me? Well you sure have a messed up way of showing it. Hey, are you even there? Do you care? I'm not asking for stuff to be handed to me. I'm not a Thomas type. I just want to you know that you can do more than make butterflies, babies, and hurricanes. When I pray, you sure as hell don't seem to care, God. Is your inbox getting too full? Do you even have time for me? Why do you need my praise and worship when you already have billions that bow at your (invisible) feet? Where are you when it matters most?

I'm done with this. I'm done with this post. I'm done trying to talk to brick walls. I'm done trying, period. Why try when it ends in failure? Try to fit in with the crowd and just be a nameless face. That's all I was every really good at anyway...